There once was a fellow named Matt

There once was a fellow named Matt,
A swinging and happening cat.
He don’t need no Mercedes,
To get with the ladies.
This is one dude who knows where it’s at.

Happy Birthday, Matt!

There once was a woman named Peggy

There once was a woman named Peggy
Who was known to be extraordinarily leggy.
With flaming red hair
And sass out to there,
She made Nicole Kidman look dreggy.

Happy Birthday, Peggy!

There once was a fellow named Stan

There once was a fellow named Stan
Who takes all his problems in hand.
He brings home some porn
And watches ‘til morn.
You might call him a self-laid man.

There once was a woman named Sarah

There once was a woman named Sarah
Who lived under constant hystera.
Her manner was manic.
Her most common phrase? “Panic!
I need to buy new underweara.”

A tanning salon clerk in Washington

A tanning salon clerk in Washington
Said, “I tan with just a g-string on.
So, where my red skin ends
Is where your fun begins.
Yeah, you could think of me as a sure thing, Son.”

NFL Week 17. It's been a very good year.

A small-breasted woman named Joan

A small-breasted woman named Joan
Found she couldn’t afford silicone.
So instead of that crap
She used bubble wrap.
Now her boyfriend won’t leave them alone.

When she found she was pregnant, young Sue

When she found she was pregnant, young Sue
Really didn’t know just what to do.
She went to her dad
Who got really mad
And said, “You know, you can get knocked down, too.”

There once was a fellow named Santa

There once was a fellow named Santa
Who wanted to move to Atlanta
“I’m tired of snow
And 40 below
I can move on down South if I wanta.”

He met with the elves and the Mrs.
And explained to them about his wishes.
The head elf, named Steve
Said, “When do we leave?”
And his wife just smothered him with kisses.

In a warehouse out off of route 9
Were elves in a wild conga line,
‘Cause Steve had replaced
Every tool in the place
With Computer Aided Design.

Since the hot red suit was so not couturesy,
The elf wardrobe master, Percy,
Gave Santa shorts and flip-flops
Assorted tank tops
And a replica Matt Ryan* jersey.

At the reindeer corral, Santa found
That their diet has made them quite round,
Instead of mistletoe
They pigged out on kudzu
And are too fat to get off the ground.

He learned that production had stalled
Since, Mrs. Claus had not sorted at all
The letters from boys
And girls about toys,
‘Cause she was spending her days at the mall.

Steve told Santa, “This year, I foresee,
We won’t have enough under each tree.
But I’ve dealt with a friend
Who works at Nintend-
-O, to get every kid in the world a new Wii.”

After an overnight session on eBay,
They remembered – no reindeer, no sleigh.
But with some elf luck
Steve found a red pick-up truck
Could be air-dropped by Chevrolet.

Then at last, Santa Claus ventured forth
In his elf-dusted flying transport.
Then we heard his voice call,
“Merry Christmas, y’all!
Next year, we’re moving back North.”

*Hunky quarterback for the Atlanta Falcoms

Merry Christmas from the Center.

Helena, the Dutchess of Yorkshire

Helena, the Dutchess of Yorkshire
Has rules about sex most severe.
She’ll only screw face-to-face
With her husband, Race,
But, the servants enter in the rear.

There once was a woman named Liz

There once was a woman named Liz
A real entrepreneurial whiz
Even when she was small
She made quite a haul
Charging boy classmates to watch her go ___.

There once was a fellow named Gary

There once was a fellow named Gary
Who does not look at all like Drew Carey.
But in the right light,
You know, he just might;
Which we all think is a little bit scary.

Happy Birthday, Gary!

A jai-alai star in Minnesota

A jai-alai star in Minnesota
Had moved up North from Sarasota.
“I relish the cold
Like a Viking of old
But I wish I had brought my pelota.”

One more week. Go NFL.

This pretty young wife down in Dallas

This pretty young wife down in Dallas
Feels trapped in her man’s “Cowboy palace”.
For, she misses her home,
And her kin up in Nome
And the beautiful aurora borealis.

There once was a gal named Mercedes

There once was a gal named Mercedes,
One of those high society ladies,
She appears to be prudish,
While in fact, she is lewdish.
She moons truck drivers out on I-80.

My sexual urge I've forsaked

“My sexual urge I’ve forsaked,”
Said Sue, but we know she’s half-baked.
When she walks down the street
She looks wholesome and sweet
But under her clothes she is naked.

There was a woman up in Southhampton

There was a woman up in Southhampton
Who, on “special” days, could not use a ______.
She said that her flow
Was so strong, don’t you know,
That she just sat at home with a clamp on.

There once was a band at the Fillmore

There once was a band at the Fillmore
Who stashed some groupies by the back door.
They each got a ____
During the drum solo
And screwed doggy style during the encore.

At the diner, I'm always called "Hon",

At the diner, I’m always called “Hon”.
It makes me feel warm like the sun.
But when I asked why,
They said I’m a bad guy.
It’s short for Attilla the Hun.

There was a young man from Miami

There was a young man from Miami
Who fashioned a boat from a chami.
It sank right away
But our boy was okay.
In the dolphin tank at the Aquariuami.

It's beginning to look a lot like football.

We once knew a gal named Delores

We once knew a gal named Delores
Who never thought ‘bout her ________,
Until we got a load
Of that Seinfeld episode,
Now she tries her best to ignore us.

A catastrophe occurred at the buffet

A catastrophe occurred at the buffet
To our regular patron Renee.
Somewhere between
The gravy and beans
She exploded when her stretch pants gave way

In astronomy class, Dr. Amos

In astronomy class, Dr. Amos
Asked, “Do you thing there is life on Uranus?”
Said a lass in the front row,
“Yes, I surely do think so.
Something’s itching and burning most heinous

When Eddie spent the weekend with Dar

When Eddie spent the weekend with Dar,
A girl he just met at a bar,
His drinking buddies asked,
“Did you get any ___?”
He said, “I don’t think I got in that far.”

There was a young fellow named Richtor

There was a young fellow named Richtor
Whose girlfriend just shook when he ______ her.
He found that a screw
Measured 7.2
But, she increased to 9 when he ______her

This elderly man in Carolina

This elderly man in Carolina
Makes prank phone calls from his reclina.
He’s a raver, a ranter,
A breather, and a panter.
(And you thought the last word was ______.)

Go NFL. Beat WWE.

Sweet Lulu LaRue of St. Louis

Sweet Lulu LaRue of St. Louis
Was in love with old Doolittle Dewey.
Like a ram with a ewe,
Was old Doo with young Lu.
So, do Doo Dewey do LuLu? Well, do he?

Cinderella, while at the Royal Dance

Cinderella, while at the Royal Dance,
Gave a _______ to the Charming Prince.
With his manhood unfurled,
He searched for the girl
Who matched the teeth and the lip prints.

The girls all desire the charms

The girls all desire the charms
Of the man with three hands and three arms.
He’s got one for each breast;
One east and one west
And a third working down on the farm.

A well-meaning fellow in Oakland

A well-meaning fellow in Oakland
Met a girl who said, “I am broke, friend.”
She asked him to raid a
7-11 ’frigerata,
And let him get arrested, heartbroken.

Got NFL Network?

Suzanne takes you down to the river

Suzanne takes you down to the river
To a place fairly close to her liver.
As the boats go by
She will give you a try
Like FedEx, she can really deliver.

Robert Johnson, the ultimate blues man

Robert Johnson, the ultimate blues man
Played guitar like nobody else can.
For the gift, I am told
He sold his own soul,
So, I’m going to hell just to jam.

In the locker room down at the lodge

In the locker room down at the lodge
We were shocked at the stockings on Hodge.
“What’s up with those?
Why are you wearing hose?”
“’Cause my wife found them out in my Dodge.”