I got dumped by Rosemary Spivic

I got dumped by Rosemary Spivic
For reasons she made quite specific.
Her _____ was large
Like a two-car garage,
But I was just driving a Civic.

There once was a young man named Talmadge

There once was a young man named Talmadge
Who yelled from the roof to alledge
That Maureen would be sorry
When she heard the story
About how he jumped over the edge.

There once was a woman named Mabel

There once was a woman named Mabel
Who daily went out to the stable.
Her favorite mount
Was referred to as “Count”
But his real name was Freddie McCable.

My neighbor, Beth, is quite a foodie

My neighbor, Beth, is quite a foodie
She loves Thai, Greek, even ratatouille
Tex-Mex, Japanese,
And Egyptian goat cheese,
Thank God she’s a prude, not a nudie.

A young orchard worker named Ryder

A young orchard worker named Ryder
Smashed his thumb in the press for the cider.
He called up his Mum
And asked her to come
So he could soak his poor digit inside her.

There once were twin girls named Olsen

There once were twin girls named Olsen
Who were precious, winsome and wholesome.
They turned by some trick
Into fright wigs on sticks
Surviving on cocaine and Molson.

Annie barged into the team's locker room

Annie barged into the team’s locker room
Saying, “Lower your Fruits of the Loom!”
She let them all ride her.
At one time, inside her,
Was the coach, the mascot and a broom.

There once was a fellow named Joe

There once was a fellow named Joe
Who’s not what you might call gung-ho.
He’s never worried,
Bothered or hurried
Long as his income matches his outgo.

Happy Birthday, Joe!

There once was a woman named Syd

There once was a woman named Syd
Who hit me for something I did.
She then whirled around
And knocked me to the ground
For something that I should have did.

There once was a fellow named Rick

There once was a fellow named Rick
Who sadly has a foot for a ____.
Women do like a ______
That is 12-inches long
But with toes on the end? That’s just sick.

There was a farm girl from Monroe

There was a farm girl from Monroe
Who tried to get off in the cornrows.
But corncobs were too rough;
The goat’s not big enough;
And she can’t get the horse to go slow.

There once was a man called Obama

There once was a man called Obama --
A political phenomenoma
His cry; "Yes We Can"
Rings out 'cross the land
Bright'ning our national panarama.

There once was a fellow named Elden

There once was a fellow named Elden
Who spent most of his time in a barrel.
Someone asked him, “Why?
Are you ‘The Barrel Guy’?”
He said, “No. That’s my other brother, Elden.”

Happy Birthday, Elden (aka Darryl)!

A San Francisco native named Molly

A San Francisco native named Molly
Likes to expose herself on the trolley.
She flashes her boobs
To the tourists and rubes
And her ass to the gays from the valley.

In India, there's a fellow named Kelly

In India, there’s a fellow named Kelly
Who’s a nutritional Botticelli
He’s liquefied ham
Into some kind of jam -
Kelly’s New Delhi pork-belly jelly.

There once was a fellow named Forrest

There once was a fellow named Forrest;
A successful and flamboyant florist.
But he wasn’t gay,
Far from it, some say.
In fact, he was known as a whorist.

I don't like that Stephen Colbert

I don’t like that Stephen Colbert.
The most obnoxious guy anywhere.
He’s as dumb as a box
Of Republican rocks.
He’s a vacuum with magnificent hair.

I love the Daily Show with Jon Stewart

I love the Daily Show with Jon Stewart
‘Specially when he wears the blue shirt.
His keen fashion sense
Elevates the nonsense
Of the news to a fine Schubert concert.

There once was a gal from Los Angeles

There once was a gal from Los Angeles
Named Angela Angie D’Angelas.
She’s a fun-loving girl
Who’ll give you a whirl
After kneeling to recite the “Angelus”.

There once was a fellow named Hunter

There once was a fellow named Hunter
Who called for his wife to confront her.
He said, “I ain’t been laid
Since the Macy parade.
I demand it, but just if you want ta."

I have a deep hate for my Mother

I have a deep hate for my Mother
‘Cause she’s just brought home a third brother
Add a sister or two
In one bed for this crew.
I’m afraid one’ll move and I’ll smother.

On her wedding night, Penelope Prigger

On her wedding night, Penelope Prigger
Said, “I’m so glad that you’re not that much bigger,
I had sex once before,
When it’s huge, it’s a chore,
And, of course, that time was with a black man.”

A naive honeymooner named Shearer

A naïve honeymooner named Shearer
Was surprised as his new wife came nearer.
He said, “Golly gee,
You’ve a ____ just like me.”
From the john she said, “That’s just the mirror.”

Here's to dearly departed Tom

Here’s to dearly departed Tom
Who liked to beat off in the john
But while choking his chicken
His heart gave up tickin’
And the hard part was telling his Mom.

A woman from Santa Domingo

A woman from Santa Domingo
Said, “I really do love cunnillingo,
If you want to ____ me,
You first have to lick me.
And feel free to add some of your fingos.”

I noticed my off neighbor, Earl

I noticed my odd neighbor, Earl
At his window with his manhood unfurled.
What he was doing was plain;
There's no need to explain.
My neighbor was _______ the world.

There once was a gal named Alexis

There once was a gal named Alexis,
Who for ten years has lived a life sexless.
Since a crafting mishap
Spilled super glue in her lap
Which welded her thighs at their nexus.

When asked about football, I retort

When asked about football, I retort,
“I don’t follow professional sports.”
And when you look at
My Detroit Lions hat
I point out they’re an amateur sort.

There once was a fellow named Horatio

There once was a fellow named Horatio
Whose wife would not give him ________.
He gets what he longs for
From the woman next door
For just a quite reasonable donatio.

There's a nymphomaniac named Rose

There’s a nymphomaniac named Rose
Whose _____’s stretched out, you’d suppose.
She ruined an all-nighter
With a hot fire fighter,
When she asked him to let out more hose.

There once was a year called '08

There once was a year called '08.
For the most part, it wasn't so great.
My 401-K
Won't see light of day
Until my childrens' retirement date.