I'm in love with the Progressive girl, Flo

I’m in love with the Progressive girl, Flo.
I think of her everywhere I go.
If I could just find her store
I’d throw myself on the floor,
And not leave ‘til she gave me a tango.

My wife, as a cook, is quite bad

My wife, as a cook, is quite bad.
Her meals are the worst I’ve ever had.
She watches telechefs all day
Like DeLaurentis and Flay
But just for the restaurant ads.

All youngsters play "Doctor", my friend

All youngsters play “Doctor”, my friend.
It’s a harmless pastime to them
But sharp little Bobby
Took too far his hobby
Because he plays “OB/GYN”.

A retired streetwalker named Yvonne

A retired streetwalker named Yvonne
Had 7 young boys running ‘round.
They’re all good little lads
Who remind her of their dads
Which is why she named them all “John”.

A 60-year-old gal named Alice

A 60-year-old gal named Alice
Gave birth to triplets in Dallas.
The catalyst she blames
Is found in their names –
Levitra, Viagara, and Cialis.

There once was a woman named Annie

There once was a woman named Annie
Who was blessed with a prodigious fanny.
Men drove in from Dover
To watch her bend over.
She’s so round and firm, it’s uncanny.

Happy birthday, Annie!

When Jennifer turned 45

When Jennifer turned 45
Her sexual drive came alive.
Anything with a shaft
She inserts fore and aft
In a maneuver she calls the “skin-dive”.

In Camelot, during King Arthur's fame

In Camelot, during King Arthur’s fame
Lancelot used the moat to wash his frame.
Guinevere took a chance
And jumped up on his lance,
For Lancelot was not just his name.

Classic Limerick -- There once was a man from Nantucket

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose ____ was so long he could ____ it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a _____, I'd ____ it."

At spring break, this fellow named Pete

At spring break, this fellow named Pete
Accomplished a remarkable feat.
He squeezed seven girls from a bar
In the front of his car
And later got ate in the back seat.

There once was a fellow named Curt

There once was a fellow named Curt
A practitioner of the photo upskirt
Unsuspecting lasses
Reveal their young _____
To this digitally enabled pervert.

She was bound from her head to her foot

She was bound from her head to her foot
With ropes of leather, nylon and jute.
Bent over a chair
With her ___ in the air.
There appears to be something afoot.

On the morn after St. Patrick's day

On the morn after St. Patrick’s day
I just wish the pounding would go away.
And to make matters worse,
I’ve woke up with a nurse,
Who hopes to get pounded again today.

In Ireland, there's no St. Patrick parade,

In Ireland, there's no St. Patrick parade,
I saw folks in church where they prayed.
Not like over here
Where we just pour green beer
Down the hatches of young girls to get laid.

I offered a toast to the groom

I offered a toast to the groom,
“I know you’re the luckiest man in this room,
‘Couse I’ve been inside
Your young blushing bride,
As have most of your friends, I assume.”

So today is Friday the Thirteenth -- Revisited

So today is Friday the Thirteenth;
And all of you know what that meanth.
On a day of such doom
I’ll just stay in my room
With Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazineth.

There's been this war on my TV

There’s been this war on my TV
Between The Daily Show and CNBC.
Seems when Cramer says his sooth
It is far from the truth,
And Stewart’s renamed his show “Bad Money”.

When prostitutes go on vacation

When prostitutes go on vacation,
They pick quite a mundane destination.
They just watch some TV
With an ice bag where they pee,
And with Pretty Woman in heavy rotation.

Here's sto the modern coffee shop

Here’s to the modern coffee shop
Where both slackers and hard-chargers stop
These disparate groups mix
For their caffeine fix
At 3 to 4 dollars a pop.

To make our ecomony strong

To make our ecomomy strong
We must move veteran leaders along,
With their moral lackage
They think the stimulus package
Is a congressional page in a thong.

To build up her sex-business, Cherry

To build up her sex-business, Cherry,
Took action out of the ordinary.
She dressed as a boy
And called herself Roy
And hangs out by the Catholic seminary.

The veteran first-baseman, Doug

The veteran first-baseman, Doug,
Was wearing a path is the rug
Worried that Cialis
Would show up in his ____,
Since it’s a performance-enhancing drug.

The high cost of being a good-looker

The high cost of being a good-looker
Is squeezing Angellina, the hooker.
So she’s lowering the rates
For her corporate “dates”,
And takes American Express if they’ll book her.

There once was a fellow named Bennett

There once was a fellow named Bennett
Who wanted to run for the Senate.
But when it was known
His name used to be Joan
He broke a basic political tenet.

Heed the tale of Sam Wurzelbacher

Heed the tale of Sam Wurzelbacher,
Victim of a privacy ransaker.
Renamed “Joe the Plumber”,
This political newcomer
Was slammed as a McCain / Palin backer.

There are lots of nice things about Autumn

There are lots of nice things about Autumn,
But, unfortunately, I just forgot ‘em.
She is pretty and nice,
And,. . . uh . . . did I mention nice?
And if you like big feet, she’e got ‘em.

There once was a hooker named Lavender

There once was a hooker named Lavender
Who charged just 50 bucks to rear end her,
Or 10 for a ____,
25 for a ____,
But at least 2 grand to befriend her.