Tired of do-it-herself bushwacks,

Tired of do-it-herself bushwacks,
Marie went in for a bikini wax.
The pain was severe
And when she looked in the mirror,
She asked for her labia back.

A fellow who lived in Green Bay

A fellow who lived in Green Bay
Was enjoying a mid-summer day.
First time in July, I’ve
Felt it reach 35
I might just put my parka away.”

I hate that "Shamwow" fellow, Vince

I hate that “Shamwow” fellow, Vince
The most irritating pitchman since
That troll Billy Mays
And I’ll scream out “No way”,
If he gets a “Girls Gone Wild” lap dance.

TV makes my sex life more steamy

TV makes my sex life more steamy
By allowing my wife to get extremey.
While she’s on top of me
She can watch “Grey’s Anatomy”
And pretend that she’s screwing “McDreamy”.

And then of course, there's Bridgette

And then of course, there’s Bridgette
Who certainly is not at all frigid.
Her considerable skill
(And that little blue pill)
Insures that the old troll stays rigid.

Whenever I spend time with Kendra

Whenever I spend time with Kendra
My mind just wants to surrendra.
She’s brought being non-smart
To the level of art,
And I don’t think that she’s a pretendra.

There once was a bimbo named Holly

There once was a bimbo named Holly
Who was always so irritatingly jolly.
But her smile is as real
As her boobs, so I feel,
She’s just like an inflatable dolly.

Hugh Hefner has revived the Bunny

Hugh Hefner has revived the Bunny
But I think that something is funny.
The math at my school
Can't provide a rule
For how often 82 goes into 20.

There once was a man who played keno

There once was a man who played Keno
In a casino at San Mendocino.
He hoped a big prize
Would open the thighs
Of Philipino president Corazon Aquino

Here's to the immortal Babe Ruth

Here's to the immortal Babe Ruth
Baseball's greatest player, in truth.
No 'roids or hormones
Those runs were his own
Aided only by 85 proof.

The annual car show inspires

The annual car show inspires
My auto-erotic desires
But the poor bottom-line
Forced o prominent sign --
“Free car with the purchase of tires!”

There once was a fellow named Craig

There once was a fellow named Craig
Whose ____ was as long as his leg.
But to his dismay
It just gets in the way,
‘Specially when he plays mumblety-peg.

There once was a fellow named Rudy

There once was a fellow named Rudy
Who my Dad would have referred to as “fruity”.
But just ‘cause he’s lean,
Well dressed and clean,
It doesn’t mean he take _____ in the pootie.

As we celebrate Valentine's Day

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day
I feel it’s important to say,
A VD present
Should be something pleasant.
Don’t give an STD away.

So today is Friday the Thirteenth

So today is Friday the Thirteenth;
And all of you know what that meanth.
On a day of such doom
I’ll just stay in my room
With Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazineth.

There once was a fellow named Bobby

There once was a fellow named Bobby
Who listed "Gay sex" as his hobby.
When he shops, he can't pass
New dildos for his ass,
Specially when they're veiny and knobby.

There once was a fellow named Oliver

There once was a fellow named Oliver
Who bragged he could make any gal quiver.
When he took off his pants
One girl said, “Fat chance,
You’re not coming near me with that sliver.”

I was sitting in my ice fishing shack

I was sitting in my ice fishing shack
When I heard a frightenng "Crack!"
Thank God the Coast Guard
Rescued my fat lard
'Cause the sheriff wanted to throw us all back.

The recession's hit hard our downtown

The recession’s hit hard our downtown.
I don’t see many people around.
I makes me quite sad
To see that things are so bad
Even the tumbleweed vendor’s shut down.

A sailor who needed a punt

A sailor who needed a punt
Searched high and low for the china.
He was new in town
So we wandered around
Hoping to meet up with some hussy.

Here's to the great Michael Phelps -- Revisited

Posted August 8th, 2008

Here's to the great Michael Phelps
Whose achievement caused much cheers and yelps.
It must take some mettle
To win eight gold medals,
And that .01 second sure helps.

Congratulations Michael Phelps and the US Swim Team!

Revised version

Here's to the great Michael Phelps
Whose bong photo caused much hoots and yelps.
The Role-Model's Creed
Says, "The smoking of weed
Near camera-phones almost never helps."

Jimmy's wife arranged for his birthday

Jimmy’s wife arranged for his birthday
To fulfill his fantasy – a three-way
With her sister, Lee,
So she could agree
That Jimmy, indeed, was a bad lay.

A fellow who grew up in Pittsfurgh -- Revisited

A fellow who grew up in Pittsburgh
Now lives with the Grand Duchess of Hapsburg.
He said, “It’s an art.
To steal ‘er cold heart.
It’s like making love to an iceburg.

Congratulations, Steelers!

I swear that I'm being seduced

I swear that I’m being seduced
By that anchorgirl on Headline News.
She blinks in Morse code
A sensuous ode
Of the moisture level of her _____.