Thursday, December 27, 2012

There once was an old man named Rex

There once was an old man named Rex
Who forgot all that he knew of sex.
      He remembered his junction
      Had some special function,
With methodologies far too complex. 

These was an old gal named Lenore
Who asked, “What is this hole down here for?
      I know that’s where I pee,
      But for the life of me
It seems there should be something more.”

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

There once was a woman named Annie,

There once was a woman named Annie,
An incredibly libidinous Granny,
         Who strolled through the park
         Every night after dark,
Exposing her tits and her fanny.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Did the Dems pull it out in the clutch?

Did the Dems pull it out in the clutch?
Or is the GOP out of touch?
         And what were we shown
         On our TV and phone?
Do we all hate each other that much?

Monday, October 1, 2012

There once was a fellow named Harley

There once was a fellow named Harley
Who married a woman named Davidson.
         They had a great life
         As biker-dude and –wife
And named their first child, Fat Boy.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

There once was a gal named Suzanne

There once was a gal named Suzanne
Who wanted to become a man.
         After her boobs were set free,
         And an Add-a-____-to-me
She was set with a grand-new floor plan.

Friday, September 28, 2012

There once was a woman named Suzie

There once was a woman named Suzie
Whose voice was so husky and bluesey
         That when she started to talk
         Men forgot how to walk
And stagger about dazed and boozey.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

There once was a woman named Pattie

There once was a woman named Pattie
Whose neighbors thought must be quite batty.
         She used a garden shear
         To cut off her hair
Whenever she thought it was too ratty.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

There once was a woman named Rose

There once was a woman named Rose
Who buys her panties by the gross. 
      She leaves them behind her
      As a subtle reminder
Of who passed on that STD dose.

Monday, September 24, 2012

There once was a fellow named Neil

There once was a fellow named Neil
Who asked his girl, “How does it feel
      To have my manly pride
      So far deep inside?”
She laughed at him, saying, “Get real!.”

Saturday, September 22, 2012

There once was a fellow named Davy

There once was a fellow named Davy
Who spent his whole life in the Navy.
Like in the Joel song,
A bar’s where he belongs
‘Cause he walks like the floor is all wavy.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

There once was a woman name Monica

There once was a woman name Monica
Who learned how to play the harmonica.
         The tongue is the key
         To her virtuosity.
Just ask her girlfriend, Veronica.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

There once was a girl named Nicole

There once was a girl named Nicole
Who was born without spirit or soul.
         So she doesn’t mind
         Getting ______ from behind.
In fact, she likes men in each hole.
 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

There once was a woman named Jeri

There once was a woman named Jeri
Who dumped her computer date, Larry.
         She had to reject him
         For fing’ring her rectum.
‘Cause she wants to keep her ___ cherry.
 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

There once was a young girl named Pat

There once was a young girl named Pat
Who was teased by her classmates as “flat”.
         ‘Til a boy from wood shop
         Told them all to stop,
Because he told them he liked her like that.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

9/11 demonstrated

9/11 demonstrated
Americans were underrated.
      But bravery of those
      Who chose to oppose
Fear and terror cannot be debated. 

In memoriam to the passengers and crew of Flight 93.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

OMG! Football is back!

OMG!  Football is back!
Our Sundays are no longer black!
      So, the zebras are new.
      What’s the worst they can do?
Just please protect my quarterback.* 

*Matthew Stafford – Detroit Lions

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

There once was a fellow named Mark

There once was a fellow named Mark
Who only made love in the dark.
         He's tattooed, you see,
         From his neck to his knee
With a tribute to that Star Trek guy, Quark.

Friday, August 31, 2012

There once was a woman named Carol

There once was a woman named Carol
Who did not know her husband was sterile.
         So, when she told her mate
That she thought she was “late”,
It put her poor marriage in peril.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

There once was a woman named Sandra

There once was a woman named Sandra
A wiccan from Port Allesandra.
She sold herbs and potions,
         Aphrodesial lotions
All derived from genus pachysandra.

Monday, August 20, 2012

There once was a woman named Coffee

There once was a woman named Coffee
Who cnly ate bacon with toffee.
         One friend mocked her diet
‘Til she made him try it.
He ran away weepy and coughy.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

There once was a woman named Vi

There once was a woman named Vi
Who attracted the wrong kind of guy;
The under-bankrolled,
Recently paroled,
Sweet-talker with roving hands and eye.


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

There once was a woman named Vi

There once was a woman named Vi
Who attracted the wrong kind of guy;
The under-bankrolled,
Recently paroled,
Sweet-talker with a roving eye.

Friday, July 6, 2012

A medical student named Britt

A medical student named Britt
After Colon Health class had to quit.
         Seems she misplaced her glasses
         And failed all those classes
‘Cause without them she couldn’t read ____.

Friday, June 1, 2012

There once was a gal named Marie

There once was a gal named Marie
Whose number of husbands was three.
         She said, “Each expects
         To get daily sex;
“Just not all at once, mercy me!”

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

There once was a woman named Nina,

There once was a woman named Nina,
A virtuoso on the concertina,
         Who said, “With it ‘tween my knees,
         I give it a squeeze,
And  harmonize though my _______.”

Saturday, May 26, 2012

There once was a woman named Robyn

There once was a woman named Robyn
Whose fun box was constantly throbbin’.
         She said, “My girlie nubbin
         Could sure use some rubbin’
And a nice long wet tongue for some daubin’,”

Thursday, May 24, 2012

There once was a fellow named Plover

There once was a fellow named Plover
A stand-up comic down in Dover
         At the end of his act
         Was always the same crack,
“Make sure you tip your waitress over.”

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

There once was a woman named Brooke


There once was a woman named Brooke
Who did everything my the book.
            You never could score
            Until date number four,
And she’ll never, ever swallow that gook.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The naked cab driver, Louise


The naked cab driver, Louise,
Said, “This job is sure not a breeze!
          That inter-seat glass
          Keeps their hands off my ass.
But, I’ve no place to carry my keys.”

Monday, May 21, 2012

There once was a fellow named Quaid


There once was a fellow named Quaid    
Who tried every night to get laid.
         He tried margaritas
         To lure his Lolitas
To his alcohol infused brigade.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

There once was a woman named Mary

There once was a woman named Mary
Who owned her own apothecary.
         She’s got pills to curb hunger,
         Or to make you feel younger.
And a rub to make it like a cherry.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

There was a Sister Abigail


There was a Sister Abigail
Who prayed with the young men in jail.
         She felt the proudest
         Of the men who prayed loudest,
So she gave them a peek at her tail.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

There once was a woman named Chris

There once was a woman named Chris
Who always went outside to ____.
        She’d straddle a hole
        Next to the lightpole
Which her male neighbors never seem to miss.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

There once was a woman from Canton

There once was a woman from Canton
Who’s breast size was certainly wantin’.
Said one thoughtless knave,
“Why, you’re almost concave.
Go get two fried eggs for transplantin’

Sunday, April 22, 2012

There once was a woman from Cleveland

There once was a woman from Cleveland
With breasts that you would not believe, man.
        So big and so round
        With nipples profound;
They’re God’s ultimate mammary achievement.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Limerick Number 900 - There once was a woman named Ashley

There once was a woman named Ashley
Who rued the day that she acted rashly.
Who thought they’d detect her
With the garbage collector
And that they would label her “Trashly.”

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

There once was a rich man named Jayden

There once was a rich man named Jayden
Who wanted to sleep with a maiden.
Thousands had tried out
But, in pain, none cried out,
‘Til the girl with surgical masquaradin’

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

There once was a stallion named Billy

There once was a stallion named Billy
Who fancied himself as a filly.
They thought him insane
When he braided his mane,
With his saddle all sequined and frilly.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

There once was a woman named Jullie

There once was a woman named Jullie
A too-cool-for-school kind of foolie,
Because Jule would fool
With any fool’s tool
Including the tool of yours truly.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

There once was a woman from Hicking

There once was a woman from Hicking
Who ran naked, spinning and kicking,
Shouting with each twirl,
“I am a bad girl.
God knows I deserve such a licking.”

Friday, April 6, 2012

There once was a woman named Tracy

There once was a woman named Tracy
Who everyone thought of as spacy,
Due to vribating balls
In her vaginal walls
Which kept her distracted like crazy.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

There once was a woman named Allison

There once was a woman named Allison
Who spent every free moment phallusin’
‘Til her doc tor said, “No!
Those vibrators must go,
Since your _____ is sufferint from callousin’”

Sunday, March 4, 2012

There once was a fellow named Kent

There once was a fellow named Kent
Who lived by the road in a tent.
He ate squirrell entrails
And traded the tails
To a gas station for toilet rent.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

There once was a fellow named Greg

There once was a fellow named Greg
Who had a tattoo on his leg,
Depicting ‘round a pond
All the men who played Bond,
From Sean Connery to Daniel Craig.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

There once was a young men named Geoff

There once was a young men named Geoff
Who worked as an exotic choeff.
He made fricasseed air;
Thoughts, medium rare;
And blackened filet of treble cloeff.

Friday, February 17, 2012

There once was a fellow named Scott

There once was a fellow named Scott
Who had a prescription for pot.
‘Til the doc said, “Eshew it.
“I cannot renew it.
We’ve found a cure for what you’ve got.”

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

By the week after Valentine’s Day

By the week after Valentine’s Day
The flowers have been thrown away
The candy’s been rifled
For truffles and trifles
And she’ll not again wear that lingerie.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day
I feel it’s important to say,
A VD present
Should be something pleasant.
Don’t give an STD away.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Since tomorrow is Valentines Day,

Since tomorrow is Valentines Day,
A word from the men shopping today,
“The flowers and candy,
The jeselry and brandy,
We buy to find someone to lay.”

Friday, February 10, 2012

There once was a woman named Jenny

There once was a woman named Jenny
Who, as for boobs, didn’t have any.
But she gets “Best in Class”
For her beautiful ass
And for lips that can suck Abe off a penny.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

There once was a fellow named Song

There once was a fellow named Song
Who everyday wore a sarong
Until he got fired
For not being attired
Enough to hide his lengthy ____.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Marvin, a veteran nurse,

Marvin, a veteran nurse,
Was asked which of his tasks was worse.
“Bed making’s a strain,
The lifting gives back pain,
But ___ wiping was one of the worse..”

Monday, February 6, 2012

There once was a fellow named Joe

There once was a fellow named Joe
Who off to the doctor did go.
After exhaustive tests,
Doc said, “Make your bequests
You should have died 10 years ago.”

Sunday, February 5, 2012

There once was a QB named Manning

There once was a QB named Manning
With talent generationally spanning
He’s got roguist charm
And a deadly right arm;
Gving opponents and Afghanistanning.

There once was a QB named Brady,

There once was a QB named Brady,
A cool-as-ice cat, not a ‘fraidy.
As he surveyed the field,
He made his foes yield,
He’s like his own one-man brigadey.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

There once was a woman named Whitney

There once was a woman named Whitney
Who did not like having her mipples bitney.
She did not really mind
A spank on her behind,
But she loved lots of licks on her ____ney.

Friday, February 3, 2012

There once was a woman named Chelsea

There once was a woman named Chelsea
Who said, “If you’re planning on finging my bellsea,
Your tongue must be long,
Your ____ must be strong,
And please shower so you don’t smellsea.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

There once was a woman named Lynn

There once was a woman named Lynn
Who was unbelievably thinl.
At her beakfast each day
She put one grape away.
Anymore than that would be a sin.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

There once was a fellow named Stu

There once was a fellow named Stu
Who said, “I just stepped in some snoo.”
“What’s snoo?” asked his wife
(The regret of her life)
He replied, “Not much. What’s new with you?”

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I hate the old guys at Tim Horton

I hate the old guys at Tim Horton
With their wheezin’ and caughin’ and snortin’
With their comments absurd.
I thin every last word
Shows their cranial circuts are shortin’.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

At the Apollo, the Prez made the sceme

At the Apollo, the Prez made the sceme
By channeling the Rev. Al Green.
The the cats ar Fox News
Started singing the blues
Because there’s no soul in their mein.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Once said by a woman named Amy.

Once said by a woman named Amy.
“My bf thinks my _____ smells gamey.
If I do not douche
And get rid of the sluice,
He’ll have a veterinarian spay me.”

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

There was a woman named Suzanne

There was a woman named Suzanne
Who, sadly, looked just like a man.
With a beard and a weiner,
A gruff misdemeanor,
And tits just like eggs in a pan.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

There once was a girl in Gomorrah

There once was a girl in Gomorrah
Was quite a sexual explorrah.
But when someone tried to Sodom
Her delicate bodom,
She rose up and declaired, “No morrah.”

Sunday, January 15, 2012

There once was a fellow named Throne

There once was a fellow named Throne
Who woke up his Mother one morn
By climbing into her bed,
‘Tween her legs stuck his head.
In an attempt at being reborn.

Friday, January 13, 2012

So today is Friday the Thirteenth;

So today is Friday the Thirteenth;
And all of you know what that meanth.
On a day of such doom
I’ll just stay in my roomWith Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazineth

Thursday, January 12, 2012

There’s a gal who works down at McD’s

There’s a gal who works down at McD’s
Who gets down on her hands and knees
Underneath the front counter
Where managers would mount her
In front of the lastst trainees.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

There once was a gal named Mariah

There once was a gal named Mariah
Who awoke with her _____ on fiah.
She told her man, Lee,
“You’ve got a S-T-D.
Please tell your brother, Josiah.”

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Tribute to the Greene Brothers

There once was a fellow named Kelly
With a unique feature under his belly.
The head of his ____ –
Twice as big as the stock –
Made it look somewhat like an umbrellay.

Kelly Greene, born in Chicago; bass guitar, percussion, vocals

Monday, January 9, 2012

Tribute to the Greene Brothers

There once was a fellow named Forrest
Who had quite a rep as a whorist.
No matter who cried it,
He never denied it;
Since it offset his job as a florist.

Forrest Greene, born in Memphis; guitar, vocals

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Tribute to the Green Brothers

There once was a fellow named Hunter
Who told his girlfriend, “I must be blunt, dear.
If you like the heatin’
You get from being eaten,
You really should groom up your ____ hair.”

Hunter Green, born in New Orleans, guitar, keybords, harmonica, vocals

Thursday, January 5, 2012

There once was a fellow named Brent

There once was a fellow named Brent
Who was 3 months behind in his rent.
To prevent eviction
He offered a ____-tion
To which his landlady did not consebt.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

There once was a woman named Rose

There once was a woman named Rose
Who never washed her underclothes.
She wore them one day
And then threw them away;
For what reason, nobody knows.