Wednesday, October 16, 2013

There once was a woman named Faith

There once was a woman named Faith
Who’s skin was a white as a wraith.
          She never went out
          When the sun was about
And used only bleach in her baith.

Monday, October 14, 2013

There once was a woman named Cher

There once was a woman named Cher
Who never trimmed her public hair.
          So under her frocks
          She was sporting dreadlocks,
Which kept men from going down there.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

There once was a fellow named Holloway

There once was a fellow named Holloway
Who thought of women in a shallow way.
          Be she sweetheart or shrew,
          She’s just something to screw
With a personal goal or a gal-a-day.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

There once was a woman from Licking

There once was a woman from Licking
Whose boyfriend said she’d get a licking
          If he ever found out
          She was out and about,
And, it wasn’t just him she was licking.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

There once was a fellow named Ray

There once was a fellow named Ray
Who liked to watch girls walk away.
          He liked breasts just fine
          But the view from behind
Reminded him why he wasn’t gay.

Friday, October 4, 2013

I love education TV.

I love education TV.
On my new favorite, TLC,
          A woman unfurled
          The largest breasts in the world
At size 102 triple Z.

Monday, September 30, 2013

There once was a fellow named Ben

There once was a fellow named Ben
Who has to pass gas now and then.
          But since he can’t smell,
          He never can tell
The distress he causes his fellow men.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

There once was a young girl named Hayden

There once was a young girl named Hayden
Whose Mother kept her in a playpen.
          Since the girl’s seventeen,
          That seems somewhat mean
But Mom wants to keep her a maiden.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Lose-A-Letter Limerick - Alice

 There once was a young girl named Alice
Who was sent home from grade school with lice.
          They cut all her hair
          To find no bugs there,
Because her classmates told a lie.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

There once was a woman from Spain

There once was a woman from Spain
Who walked on the plain in the rain.
          No umbrella.  No clothes.
          It’s her chance to expose
Her ass in the public domain.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

9/11 demonstrated

9/11 demonstrated
Americans were underrated.
          But bravery of those
          Who chose to oppose
Fear and terror cannot be debated.
 
In memoriam to the passengers and crew of Flight 93.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Lose-A-Letter Limerick - George

 There once was a fellow named George
Who lived in a shack by a gorge
          He lived off the grid
          Like his ancestors did
Which made him a pal of Al Gore 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

There once was a farm boy named Snyder

There once was a farm boy named Snyder
Who worked for his Aunt pressing cider.
          Until one day, the fool,
          Smashed his personal tool,
Daydreaming about being insider her.

Friday, September 6, 2013

I beg you! Bring back the Road Runner!

I beg you!  Bring back the Road Runner!
There is no cartoon that is funner!
          With old Wile I. Coyote.
          (Was he high on peyote?)
Make it an eternal rerunner!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

There once was a fellow named Stryker

There once was a fellow named Stryker
Who slept with the wife of a biker.
          He was caught at the scene
          And never again seen,
‘Cept his balls, which were found by a hiker.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

There once was a girl on the bayou

There once was a girl on the bayou
Who liked nothing more than to screw.
          She kept a vibrator
          Shaped just like a ‘gator,
Just in case there was no one to do.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

There once was a woman named Steagles

There once was a woman named Steagles
Who every day did 65 kegels*
          And while focused down there
          She styled her pubic hair
In the manner of “A Flock of Seagulls**.
 

*Exercises designed to tighten the vaginal muscles.  Google it.
**A 80s British rock band.  Google it.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

There once was a girl named Michelle

There once was a girl named Michelle
Whose abdomen started to swell.
          “I am not with child,”
          She said as she smiled,
“It’s that I live by Taco Bell.”

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

There once was a woman named Freddie

There once was a woman named Freddie
Who always made sure she was ready.
          In her purse she had blush,
Birth control and toothbrush;
With an elegant, wrinkle-proof teddy.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

There once was a gal named Selena

There once was a gal named Selena;
A not-very-hot-blooded Latina.
          It was early to bed,
          All alone where she read
“Genetic Traits of Semolina”.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

There was a woman named Regina,

There was a woman named Regina,
A virtuoso on the concertina
          Her fingering skill
          Came not from a drill,
But from manipulating her ______.

Friday, August 23, 2013

There once was a fellow named Justin

There once was a fellow named Justin
With spontaneous penile combustion.
          He received a synthetic
          Cast iron prosthetic
Which he oiled daily to prevent rustin’.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

There once was a woman named Geri

There once was a woman named Geri
Whose body was nearly un-hairy.
          Her baldness was complete
          ‘Cept the soles of her feet,
Which made shopping for shoes very scary.

Monday, August 19, 2013

There once was a young boy named Elton

There once was a young boy named Elton
Who was skinny and tall like a skel’ton.
          To hold up his pants
          While at a school dance,
He had suspenders and a belt on.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

There was a young girl named Rosanna

There was a young girl named Rosanna
Who wore a bright yellow bandana,
          A yellow T-shirt
          And ankle-length skirt,
‘Cause she thought that she was a banana.

Friday, August 16, 2013

There once was a fellow named Bucky

There once was a fellow named Bucky
Who lived a life extremely lucky.
          Since his sexual organ
          Dispensed Captain Morgan
And aged bourbon from Kentucky.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

There once was a fellow named Harris

There once was a fellow named Harris
Who was very hard to embarrass.
          ‘Til he was pantsed at school
          Wearing a thong of tulle
And an ass-tattoo of Alex Karras.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

There once was a woman named Joy

There once was a woman named Joy
Who was given a vibrating toy.
          It came with a note
          Where just one line was wrote,
“Just insert this in Joy to enjoy.”

Monday, August 12, 2013

There once was a young boy named Buffett

There once was a young boy named Buffett
Who once told his Mother to “Stuff it!”
         She didn’t get mad,
         Just incredibly sad
As she left him in the woods to rough it.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

There once was a man from Daytona

There once was a man from Daytona
Who was offered an ice cold Corona.
         He said, “Now, see here.”
         I only drink beer.
This is why I left Arizona.”

Saturday, August 10, 2013

There once was a fellow named Donovan

There once was a fellow named Donovan
Who wore one black shoe and one cordovan.
         He said, “Go and stare.
         I have a matching pair
Back home in my room in Afghanistan.

Friday, August 9, 2013

There once was a fellow named Marvin

There once was a fellow named Marvin
Who sat in his back yard a-carvin’ 
         A huge pile of sticks
         Into tiny toothpicks
To make worm hors d’oeuvres.  He was starvin’.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

There once was a fellow named Ray

There once was a fellow named Ray,
“The man who just won’t go away.”
         His stories are boring
         Each one on adoring
From afar the virginal Doris Day.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

A young baseball player named Doug

A young  baseball player named Doug
Took a performance-inhibiting drug.
         He passed out in right field
         And some snooping revealed
Tequila in his Gatorade jug.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

There once was a young girl named Frieda

There once was a young girl named Frieda
Who was her school’s only cheerlieda.’   
         The team was so bad
         And the fans were so mad,
That the poor girl became a cheer-plieda.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

There once was a fellow named Mac

There once was a fellow named Mac.
Of comedy he quite a knack.
          He wrote dirty jokes
          About the nicest of folks,
‘Cause the mean ones get mad and attack.

Friday, August 2, 2013

These once was an agent named Bond, James Bond

These once was an agent named Bond, James Bond,
Of whom the female spies were all fond, quite fond.
          For country and Queen
          He’d end up between
A brunette, a redhead and blonde, ash blonde.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

There was a woman named Regina

There was a woman named Regina
Who worked as a cook in a dina.
          Where she stole unknown numbers
          Of fresh, ripe cucumbers
Nestled snugly inside her ______.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

There once was a fellow named Hector

There once was a fellow named Hector
Who worked as a funeral director
          If a widow, by chance,
          Should make an advance,
They’d play “Horny Coffin Inspector”.

Monday, July 29, 2013

There once was a fellow named Miller

 There once was a fellow named Miller
Who was known as a major booze swiller.
          But he did change his ways
          And doesn’t drink much these days
Because he’s become quite a spiller.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

There was a woman named Renee

There was a woman named Renee
Who posed nude near the Champs Elysees.
          She let her hair wave
          From where she didn’t shave,
Which scared all the artists away.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

There once was a fellow named Horton

There once was a fellow named Horton
Who for a month was huffin’ and snortin’.
          When he fell on his head,
          The E.R. doc said,
“You’ve got to stop huffin’ and snortin.” 

Friday, July 26, 2013

A coffee shop patron named Hume

A coffee shop patron named Hume
Always sat back by the ladies’ room.
          He wasn’t a peeker,
          Just a minor thrill seeker
Of the scent of personal perfume.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

There once was a young girl named Muffin

There once was a young girl named Muffin
Who got up and just kicked the stuffin’
          From her boyfriend Seth
          And the girl he slept with
When she caught him getting a fluffin’.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

At the coffee shop, the old guys gather,

At the coffee shop, the old guys gather,
To sip on some joe and to blather.
          They watch girls in shorts
          While arguing sports
And work themselves into a lather.

Monday, July 22, 2013

There once was a woman named Rudy

There once was a woman named Rudy
Who was prepared for her wifely duty.
          With plunger in hand,
          She unplugged the can
While preparing a meal plan more fruity.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

There once was a woman named Ashleigh

There once was a woman named Ashleigh
Who colored her long blonde hair brashleigh.
          With wide streaks of blue
          And florescent pink too,
Her decision was made much too rashleigh.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Former NY Gov Eliot Spitzer

Former NY Gov Eliot Spitzer
Has placed hookers on a campaign blitzer.
          The ladies he paid
          Did not get him laid.
They claim he was just a kibitzer.

Friday, July 19, 2013

There once was a woman named Marion

There once was a woman named Marion
Who worked at the school as a librarian.
          She’s read every text
          Where people got sexed
But had no adventures ovarian.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

There once was a young girl named Dream

There once was a young girl named Dream
Who was known as a “Good Girl Extreme”.
          She remained a virgin
          Despite constant urgin’
Until she met Mr. Jim Beam.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

There was a woman named Elaine

There was a woman named Elaine
Who liked to walk nude in the rain.
          “It’s like taking a bath
          On a cool garden path,
Without leaving a bathtub ring stain.”

Sunday, July 14, 2013

There once was a fellow named Stephen

There once was a fellow named Stephen
Who rummaged through the laundry thiephen
          The soiled underpants
          Of his sisters and aunts,
Which they all had trouble beliephen.

Friday, July 12, 2013

A would-be brothel girl named Cookie

A would-be brothel girl named Cookie
Got let go while she was a rookie.
          She thought it depraved
          To have herself shaved;
And no patrons would screw with a Wookie.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

There once was a Chicago man

There once was a Chicago man
Who was widely known as “One Night Stan”.   
          He made love so poorly
          And finished so early,
That women who saw him just ran.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

There once was a waitress named Sheila

There once was a waitress named Sheila
Who let all the customers feel a
          Boob or her ass,
          Pointing at the tip glass,
Hoping to land a big “wheela-deela”.

Monday, July 8, 2013

There once was a fellow named Gil

There once was a fellow named Gil
Who lived in a house on a hill,
          Waiting for his neighbors
          To finish their labors
And purchase the proceeds of his still.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

There once was a fellow named Logan;

There once was a fellow named Logan;
“12-inch manhood” was his slogan.
          Since his ____ was a foot
          Each morning he put
In a size 13 EEE brogan.

Friday, July 5, 2013

There once was a fellow named Grant

There once was a fellow named Grant
Whose penis stuck out at a slant.
          A girl’d lay perdendicular
          To get his ____ into her,
Which is something that few women want

Thursday, July 4, 2013

There once was a fellow named Dylan

There once was a fellow named Dylan
Who dressed as a comic book villain,
          With a black mask and cape
          Made of satin and crepe,
With a “ray gun” for simulated killin’. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

There was a restaurateur named Paco.

There was a restaurateur named Paco.
The foodies thought his fare was “socko”.
          His patrons would drink
          Until they would think
They were eating an "Oxygen Taco".

Thursday, June 27, 2013

There once was a fellow named Darfur

There once was a fellow named Darfur
Who wanted to be like King Arthur.
          He constructed a sword
          Of paint and cardboard
But materials for armor was dearther.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

There once was a fellow named Peter

There once was a fellow named Peter
Whose ____ was as long as a meter.
          He carried steel plates
          To act as counterweights
If, while aroused, he started to teeter.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

There once was a fellow from Dayton

There once was a fellow from Dayton
Who constructed an adult playpen.
          Hot tubs and trapezes
          And pads for the kneeses
To cause any _____ to straighten.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

There once was a woman named Gladys

There once was a woman named Gladys
Who looked forward to Friday night grab ass.
          At 77
          Her version of Heaven
Was the feel of a male’s hard unclad ass.

Friday, June 21, 2013

There once was a woman named Esther

There once was a woman named Esther
Who the neighborhood kids loved to pester.
          The children were so bad,
          That they made her so mad,
That she’d offer the one-finger gesture

Thursday, June 20, 2013

There was a man called Bondurant

There was a man called Bondurant
Who wanted his own restaurant.
          But his menu unique
Closed it down in a week.
No one wanted a baloney croissant.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

There once was a fellow named Loring

There once was a fellow named Loring
Who bragged of his sexual scoring.
          But the people who knew him
          Would simply pooh-pooh him,
‘Cause they knew he spent his nights snoring.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

There once was a fellow named Reust

There once was a fellow named Reust
Who cat on the fence post to roost’
          Just like a big bird
          Which seemed so absurd
Because there was no egg produced.

Monday, June 17, 2013

There was a young girl named Adela

There was a young girl named Adela
Who enjoyed sex with her umbrella.
          With it deep in her ______,
          She released the catch
Which ruined her for any fella.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

There once was a woman from Dallas

There once was a woman from Dallas
Who searched for the ultimate phallus;
          Big enough to matter
          But not one to shatter
Her delicate pelvic love chalice.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The TV show, “Leave It To Beaver”,

The TV show, “Leave It To Beaver”,
Featured a silly kid, not a beaver.
          In the 60s, you know,
          No television show
Would actually show a real beaver.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

There once was a fellow named Lee

There once was a fellow named Lee
Who Said, “I am glad I’m a he.
          I’d hate it for sure,
          If I were a her;
‘Cause I’d have to date people like me.”

Sunday, June 9, 2013

There once was a fellow named Dwayne

There once was a fellow named Dwayne
Who always ate his pancakes plain.
He never used syrup
Because it would stir up
Memories of his boyhood in Maine.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

After moving to Windsor, Al said

After moving to Windsor, Al said,
“I have trouble every night in bed.”
          Try as I please
          I can’t catch any Zs
‘Cause in Canada, they call it Zed.”

Friday, May 31, 2013

The “Smuggling Mom” has been cleared

The “Smuggling Mom” has been cleared.
Her criminal record is desmeared.
          At last, that old line,
          “I swear it’s not mine,”
Was held up by a judge, and not jeered.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

There once was a woman named Sasha

There once was a woman named Sasha
Who was desperately trying to squash a
          Rumor that she
          Lets men watch her ___
So she can buy a dishwasha.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

There once was a fellow named Buddy,

There once was a fellow named Buddy,
The original fuddy-duddy.
         Could such a dull man
         With no fun in his plan
Really have a huge penis, now, could he?
 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

There once was a fellow named Helmut

There once was a fellow named Helmut
Who while walking his dog wore a helmet
         With full body padding
         Covered by Kelvar™ cladding,
Because his hound is such a hell mutt. 

Monday, May 27, 2013

There once was a fellow named Steven

There once was a fellow named Steven
Who knew that his balls were uneven.
         One hung too low,
         It could bounce on his toe.
And the other?  Too small for perceivin’.

Friday, May 24, 2013

They asked a young woman named Ellie

They asked a young woman named Ellie
How she lost 40 pounds from her belly.
      She only ete semen
      Provided by seamen
From a merchant ship out of New Delhi.